The Inner Monologue

Let’s be honest: nature is the original lazy artist. It throws a sunset at the horizon and calls it a day. It stumbles into a perfect meadow by sheer geological accident, shrugs, and says, “Yeah, that’ll do.” Mountains? Just tectonic plates having a bad day. Flowers? A happy little side effect of bees needing something…

Jim Henson is widely regarded as one of the most influential creative minds of the 20th century, best known as the creator of the Muppets, The Muppet Show, and numerous beloved characters. While his legacy is firmly established in entertainment history, his untimely death—and the remarkable longevity of many associated with his most famous project—has…

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the modern miracle of psychiatry, where any behavior that annoys, inconveniences, or challenges the status quo can be neatly repackaged as a symptom. Forget demonic possession or witchcraft—today, we have something far more sophisticated: the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the ever-expanding bible of “what’s wrong…

Retirement is often seen as the ultimate finish line—a reward for decades of hard work. But those who’ve crossed that threshold know it’s not just an endless vacation. It’s a whole new way of living, with its own lessons and surprises. If you’re still in the workforce, you might imagine retirement as a blur of…

Oh, this is rich. You wanna wave your little flag, scream about “socialism” at town halls, and then turn around and cash your Social Security check like it’s some kind of patriotic duty? PATHETIC. You’re not a conservative—you’re a hypocrite with a MAGA hat. SOCIALIST SECURITY? COMMYCARE? YOU MEAN YOUR GOVERNMENT CRUTCHES? You spent your…

Announcement of the Protecting Our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, and Wives Act (POMDSWA) In a bold, compassionate, and deeply reassuring step toward restoring traditional safety, public order, and the comforting presence of vaguely related men, the government today proudly announces the passage of the Protecting Our Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, and Wives Act. This landmark legislation recognizes…

Summer is nature’s way of reminding us that the human body was not designed for extreme weather. But not all heat is created equal. There are two diabolical humidity zones where sweat either betrays you completely or abandons you like a bad date. 1. High Humidity: The Sweatocalypse (Where Perspiration Pools in Your Eyeballs) Welcome…

Let’s talk about something controversial—something society has been lying to us about for years. Bathing. That’s right. I’m here to make the case for not doing it, or at least doing it way less. Before you recoil in horror and start spraying me with Febreze, hear me out. I’m not saying we should all turn…

Every American city has a place you’re warned about. A neighborhood spoken of in shorthand. A few square miles that carry a disproportionate share of fear, police lights, overdoses, sirens, and grief. In Albuquerque, it’s the International District—long branded the “War Zone.” In Los Angeles, Skid Row. In San Francisco, the Tenderloin. In Philadelphia, Kensington.…

Let’s talk about Meshtastic, the open-source, LoRa-powered, peer-to-peer messaging system that promises to keep you connected when civilization collapses—or, you know, when you’re at a music festival and T-Mobile’s network crumbles under the weight of 50,000 people Instagramming their overpriced tacos. It’s encrypted. It works without cell towers. It’s basically Batman’s walkie-talkie if Batman were…